Like so many times before it was hard for me to love myself.
I have finally got a good doctor who keeps me balanced and a therapist who has worked with me long enough that I can speak without holding back.
This is a great comfort.
So when did this all happen? It happened over time. Many of my medical illnesses can be cured with a bottle of antibiotics. My behavioral and emotional needs aren't like that. You have to clear your head, pick who you want in your life, and hold on to emotions.
The rest is just as hard. I have a food addiction. So why was I consuming a large bowl of popcorn a few days ago? My stomach really hurt. This after my Bariatric surgery?
I felt nauseous tonight after dinner and I had "that talk" with myself. I can't slap myself around about my mistakes. I had to jump out in front of shaming myself and say... please do better.
Saturday night, I had a rare night out. Art, music, fancy un-identifiable foods on small plates. I allowed myself to enjoy.
I even did my little boogie dance as I heard the song The Girl from Ipanema. I thought of how my large body must have looked swaying back and forth to the music in front of a group of people. I didn't care. I was laughing to myself as that music played, and I remembered my early years when I was never afraid to dance in public.