How Much Should You Tell Your Therapist

For the first time, I am being seen by a therapist I really like, but I almost stopped going to see him because I was worried about him. I am deeply sensitive and observe people from their talk, walk, body language what ever they give me and I knew he wasn't happy. (He doesn't hide his mood very well.) How could he when he sees 7-8 people per day telling him their problems?
We spent time discussing my needs one day and it all turned out really well. What I really didn't want was to start over with a new therapist.

Anyhow, now I am debating about telling him something I am not proud of doing. I am old enough to know better, and I know he won't judge, but I am ashamed, and I have to decide if I am going to tell him or not. Unloading would feel good and I should share it- but will I feel worse afterwards?

I can be so critical of myself.
My emotions just don't come out the way
they should when I am this angry with you.

No surprise when I recently
became vulnerable and blurted out:
    "You broke my heart." 
(Not to you, but to someone else.)
I have many things to say to you,
and each one was as important as the next.
I doubt you will ever understand how I feel.

(Even Pinterest can't come up with any quotes about this situation.)

Fire and Ice   Original Art by CBJ  

#have the conversation    #pinterest    

                                                       #speak your mind     #be strong   #tell the truth
                                 
                                                       #hurting  #artist  #love  #therapist

Old Friends

I can't say enough about the importance of old friends.

I am often questioning everything in my life... but not when an old friend checks in.

Laurie and I were all of 19 when we met. I came to the college via my dad's desire to go to the college he wanted me to go to.

Laurie came from a religious family who wanted her to come to the small liberal arts college because of it's religious grounding.

As friends we had our opinions about everything and could talk for hours. We simply "clicked."
We were never roomies, but we delighted in bumping into each other in the dorm hallway and talking about our daily life as if it were the biggest news ever. I couldn't imagine life without her. But, I had to transfer to a different university to get the credits I needed to be a certified teacher.

Yet we have maintained our friendship for over 40 years.

So when she sent me a birthday card today, I sighed, and the years melted away. We were back as
friends picking play fights and calling each other by our last names. Who knew our friendship would last this long?

Depression and Crying

I am not a morning person. In fact THIS morning was especially hard. It had snowed last night (April 2nd) in spring and I was struggling just to get dressed due to a bad back.

But there I was 9:05 sharp (I joke!) and I was in the waiting room for my THERAPY appointment.

He came to the door and let me in and we greeted each other.

By 9:10 a.m. we re-capped my last visit and the tears began to slowly drip to my cheeks.

What he was saying wasn't all that emotional-- but for someone to express how much they appreciate my honesty, it was EMOTIONAL. I think people who cry are really letting out years of stifled emotions. In the past I had to "accept" things as the were, accept childhood bulling, pretend their verbal abuse didn't matter, look like I was learning from criticism, and more than anything, hide my self-esteem issues.

But all of these things did come out.  My over-eating was so gratifying. No one would notice a extra slice of pie. I was ashamed of myself at 125lbs and in grade school. The kids made all kinds of fun of me, they call it bullying now. One teacher bent down at my desk one day and attempted to discuss my eating problems. Humiliating, although I didn't know the word or it's meaning at the time.

I blamed my parents for letting me get so out of control for many years. I was angry at them. But they had their own lives and my weight-control was just one more thing I felt I had to do on my own with
NO TOOLS or guidance to solve this bigger problem. I was also expected to get good grades, be respectful, stay with the college bound good kids (I didn't by high school.) Never lie about where I was, and never ever do any experimenting. I felt like a bird in a cage. The weight problem & anxiety continued.

Then suddenly, one teacher I really liked in high school asked me to go to a diet class with her. I lost 80 pounds, while she dropped out about week 4. I was admired by both of my parents and I would be ready to go to college a slimmer version of myself. It didn't last.

What always lasted was the pain of not knowing how or what to do about myself. Thank God, my artistic talent which was identified early, and being friends with some "key" popular kids helped me to fight off some of the ones who bullied me. When I was in grade school there was a trick where people flipped the initials of your first and last name. My last name, was similar to Brush, so I became "Crusher." So you can imagine what a I painfully endured for several years from the boys. I can still hear them saying "Here comes the Crusher."

So it wasn't really a surprise when the tears came out this morning.


                       


#artist  #depression
#quilts