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Saturday, July 27, 2013

Art Quilts


                                       My Art Quilts

I have been talking about how I am an artist and now I am going to
show you some of my art quilts.

4 months ago I didn't know if I was going to be able to continue...

Now, I am looking forward to my next exhibition.  The next show is going to
be in the Seattle area.  I live in Ohio -so just getting work ready to hang, priced
and shipped out was using a --creative me.                                       


                        

  
















 For more information and prices depressionheads@gmail.com





 

 




 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Am I Stupid?

 
 
Am I Just Stupid?
 
Can anything else make me feel more
 inadequate than computers?
 
For someone with self-esteem issues, I am so frustrated with my computer  skills.  First, this lap top is clearly an untamed beast. An orphaned computer from my friend Tuna, this computer has some type of dyslexia.  While I am trying to write these words down, I can only demonstrate my typing in these two sentences.
                  
                     1.       This is what I want to write.
 
                     2.   computer does while I am not look ing
This is what my
 
In addition to this problem, I can not seem to do anything without being out
-smarted by ads that come on without warning. 
 I am just trying to get my thoughts down on the page!!
The other day I had entered about 13 programs without my knowledge.
DAH??  I don't think I have a virus, just a strong willed lap top that eats my time and
 forces me to edit the task manager often and BLEEP... what a royal pain.
I spent three days updating my website this week and instead of finding myself with a
satisfied glow, I find I am just thrilled that this computer is willing let me write anything at all.
 
Please Annie, (my spiritual angel) let this blog give me the positive outlet I desire.
 
 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Mouth Droppings

 
Mouth Dropping


I had lunch yesterday with several old friends to  "celebrate" my departure from teaching and depression.  <Mouths DROPPED>  Who knew I hid my physical chronic pain and my unhealthy depression so well?
 
Few People Knew...

It was September 2012 and I had an injury to my foot and couldn't work because I was told to stay off my foot.  By  December 2012, I returned to work, saw that my medications were not working well and requested a new depression drug. I continued to suffer with my depression doing awful things for weeks. 

My emotions  were raw and I spent the Christmas season, alone, and at home crying in private.  I finally got smart and went back to the pharmacy and got a refill of my old depression medicine. The blend made me feel better until I could see my doctor.

I was also suffering from bronchitis. I was in and out of one infection or another. I had to go to the ER for several breathing treatments.  On my third trip to the ER, in answering the ER nurse's questions, I admitted I was depressed.  I said I had a plan but had not acted on it.

I never saw her after that, she gave me some drug to take the edge off.  I fell asleep and when I woke up, all of my belongings were gone and I had been placed in a locked holding area.

I asked what was going on and they said I was being held because I appeared like I was suicidal and I was going to be admitted to a mental hospital.  "WHAT? I needed to get home and take care of my animals." I was in the hospital for five days.  Then I had to group therapy for a month in April.

Was I tricked or was it a blessing?

Monday, July 15, 2013

When Creativity Returns


  
   {I] am an artist.  Repeat.
   In my heart and soul I am an artist and not the person I was for the last few years.

My whole world evolved around my former life as an art teacher.  {Life} and {Work} being 
what it  is.... made my creativity suffer greatly.

At the start of my "GREAT DEPRESSION"  I could not even think of making art  {that which is
so enjoyable to me}.  I made art that was terrible so I stopped making it altogether. I disconnected
with friends and family, took too much pain medicine, and I slept 12-14 hours daily.

Growing Up Artistic:

My PARENTs didn't really support it.  EX: {1.Art is a hobby. 2.Get a "real job" syndrome.}
But they bought me the crayons and paper I wanted. I practiced my craft.  I solved problems
without adult help and I was proud of my creations. The trolls I played with (the 1960's) were fashionably decked out with handmade clothes. Hours of drawing while watching my favorite cartoons made me happy.

                        I Digress.  Transition to late 2012.  My Great Depression
lasted nearly six months.  It started in November 2012 and continued into the spring of 2013.
Now, it is July 2013... and I am making Art Again!  I was creating art for 12
hours yesterday. I have show in August and it is motivating ME! aH....

{I} am an artist.  Repeat.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Discovering Therapy


Discovering Therapy

    In the late 1970's my parents had me in the hospital for "S-h-a-k-i-n-g."*  

At  the time I was running around with a group of kids my parents didn't approve of.  (I was nearly a straight-A-student, well liked by my teachers, an outstanding student-artist, and depressed. 

 Misguided and in a troubled marriage themselves, my parents thought I was on drugs.


     I was just laying there waiting for someone to tell me what was wrong with
       me.  I don't remember my mother coming to visit, but my dad came by
      and we had a terrible fight. An hour or so later a nurse came in and I
      was still sobbing.  Days later, the doctors didn't find anything wrong
       with me. But I had one doctor suggest I see a psychiatrist. My dad told
       me what the doctor said, and suggested I pick a doctor from a hospital
       list he had gotten from the doctor. ( Really!)

      I knew my dad thought only "crazy" people went to see a psychiatrist,
      so I picked up on his negative "vibe" and yelled "I wasn't going to go!"
      So I never went and it wasn't until about five years later  when....      
       I finally got help.
 *  I was later diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.  Just so you know.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Romance & Depression (Emotional Baggage)

Romance & Depression (Emotional Baggage)

My life is again under distress.  I was on the phone this morning talking to my guy.
 
What is wrong with me?  I am always falling for the ones with walls they hide behind and I just accept it. Three years into this relationship and I still accept the excuses, the "hummm"and "maybe one of these days."  My Mr. Perfect is Mr. Wrong as I still justify my relationship.  I still hang on.

  • My fear of rejection keeps me hopeful that things will change.
  • My attitude about myself tells him to look for someone else that will make him happy.
  • Yet we are still together.  Today our bond was strong.  Today I found some inner peace.

We both have our adult guard up... the type that former emotional situations, un-addressed, tease and taunt us like the bully on the playground. Do I try to defend myself, run in fear, sob, worry, eat, create...art... something new?? 

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Pinterest Withdrawl

Experiencing Pinterest Withdrawl




I was bedazzled by two friends last year to come into  the light, and get on Pinterest. Now  I did create a few boards, but now I don't even remember how to do it any more, and the last time I looked, there was all this stuff I never placed there and these board had been taken over by people I don't even know. 

 I think I shared a pair of pants and my favorite Birkenstocks.   (E-OWWWW!!)

 Now, even I know this was hardly a fashion statement.
 Oh...Ah.... and I am addicted to Project  Runway.

             

Question?
Is Pinterest the new Farmville?

Monday, July 8, 2013

Depression and Sleeping

 

Sleep Issues

 Yesterday, I spent yet another day with my sleep being off.   I have always had sleep problems.
 I love my naps and then I'll stay up late and get up around 10 a.m. Or then, as a working adult, I got up at 6:00 a.m., dragging  myself  to the toilet every morning where I would come out of my sleepy fog asking "Dear God, why me?"  Toilet Meditation?  Ha!

As the depression got worse,  I would sit on the same toilet half asleep, holding my head in my hands and say " God, do I have to go another day?" Sorry, if  I may offend some, because talking to God while on the toilet, clearly lacks good taste.  (But at least I got in touch with my true feelings.)  

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Depression and REJECTION 101




In October 2012, I started on this non-traditional baby quilt.
I know the baby's mother pretty well and she told me she was looking forward to seeing
what I would make for her baby.  All I could do was panic.

THAT WAS ENOUGH TO GET MY FEAR OF REJECTION GOING.   


Now, the baby is six months old and I still have no quilt for the baby.

WHY?  I am a afraid the Mother will hate it.

My irrational thinking and projecting destroyed what I had started.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My First Post: Sharing my Story

Hello. I'm hoping to share my story about being an artist and having depression. I've had depression for many years, but for some reason, 2013 was the year I realized the impact of my severe depression.
My Mental Illness is a serious medical condition, but my doctors are mostly deaf when I talk about it. It's lots easier to talk about my other medical problems. Depression is a part of me, it isn't everything...

       Upcoming Topics:
  • My therapy story.
  • My best support came from my friends.
  • Group therapy didn't work for me.
 
 Art & Creativity     Powerful Depression