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Monday, September 30, 2013

Good Deeds for Creative People


       I have an OCTOBER Challenge you

      might be interested in.

        Simplify.   Forget the candy corn

    I'm going to do at least three good deeds to treat others.

       It won't cost much money..... just my time.      
      Want to join me?  

Thursday, September 26, 2013

It Only Takes A LONG TIME

            Funny how the artist and the depressed person can come together within 24 hours.

  • Tuesday I was back crying.  I was overwhelmed by a big doctor's bill and I pictured that I would be paying it into 2015.  That's not the worst part as I know  there are probably other doctor bills coming my way.  Disability-retirement fact.
  • Where was the money going to come from when I was so tight on money already?
          I face this fact daily- as I use to be able to earn enough to support myself.
        Then  news from a former co-worker. So sad as so many teachers work so hard. LOW test
         scores statewide and the TV news plays it up. NEW Art teacher has many of the
        same problems I did.  Not to wish they eat her up.  Poor woman.... I so understand.

         EXCITEMENT!!  (Yeah, I know...)  More like a mini-drum roll. It wasn't just me! 
        I was in a toxic, dysfunctional work system with a failing structure.
        I was just the one they chose to slater.

        I have not been able to get rid of this dark shadow over me.  What a major
       grip it has had.   Now...Words like this!!  Things in turmoil will always
       be in turmoil... since to believe anything else is not realistic.  I am finally
       releasing myself from my self-imposed pain and constant sense of failure!

       My work continues to be productive at my studio.  Creativity on the rise.
       Satisfied with what is appearing artistically - coming from the studio.
       From my head to my fingertips..... I'm back and I create good things.
      After a very, very long time!

      Question:  Anyone have any experience with # Ringsurf - I can't get into their

Saturday, September 21, 2013

1/3 of My Last Life

1/3 of my last life left me today.   

I called an art teacher friend and offered her boxes and boxes of art supplies I had bought myself in order to have something for my students to do.  All these supplies fitted into my friend's car.

 This was what I had to do to keep my students working.  They struggled to find their own voice,
 often doing nothing at all. Being creative was so hard for so many.

Now these supplies will be used  and I can rest knowing my efforts were real.   I'm proud to have been a teacher.



Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I like being in DENIAL

Remember yesterday? 

Remember depression and illness go together.
I've been sucked in again.  Just when I have a really
HAPPY  sort of day......
I slept most of today feeling depressed.

I realize that I have to face my denial and realize there really isn't much of a way out.  Sewing is my creative outlet.  I have been creating art quilts for near ten years. 

Now that I am on disability, it is my pleasure.

 My pets bring me joy, my friends support me, my family is... ah...missing... but they, are better off that way--- it appears.
SO I treated myself to a used sewing machine and have already enjoyed it. Then next day, the bottom fell out.  I asked for help... but there was little. (*In a weird way I  expected this.)  But didn't think living on such little money would be this hard.  Why don't we talk about the "adult bullies" out there?  Try getting knocked down by lots of people you thought were your friends.

Plus there are a lot of little creeps around pretending to be "customer service representatives!" (There are a few I admire, but not many.)

I know what abuse looks like.  Please take note.... your health or other circumstances could change and you'll be treated as I have been.  I'm the example this time.  No another day comes tomorrow.  Maybe I will sew to forget the rest.

Monday, September 16, 2013

So.... Sew (Listen to your prayers)

 Who knew I could ask one night for help and that the next day things would work out. Then your sewing machine dies and you have to take things seriously. First, you pray your machine doesn't have to go to the repair shop.  It takes a while and the cost is always more than I expected.  But now it takes $150 just to look it. So I bought another old PFAFF today.

  • What do you love so much you will spend money for repairs?
  •  Would you just buy something to replace it? Will you justify doing it because it makes you happy?

Several people told me they were so happy to see me sewing again.

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Hearing The Negative

Unless.... I am totally going deaf.  I am noticing my ability to only hear the negative.

In the past:

  • I only heard the negative.  I know I have said this before, but now, I don't have to take directions.  Fortunately I am no longer working.   (I am thrilled...) Plus, I no longer have to follow the directions from people I do not respect.
  • But the damage is already done. I had a dream recently where I was laying in the hallway of my former school crying and saying " I can't do it anymore." They wanted me gone. I never revealed how sick I was.  


     I catch and hold on to negative comments as in anything NEGATIVE.

    Because I am so weary of my current situation, I assume people will think I am irresponsible.
  •  People will think I unable to my meet many obligations.
  • I shut myself down and manage to do with fewer people, ( AKA Friends.)
  • I stay up late and sleep weird hours so I can say I was sleeping, and turned off the phone.
  • I had a two hour phone conversation with my friend who told me many things but I still can't get it out of my head that he said I could be overbearing. Or maybe it was another word.  I don't remember, but I reminded him that I had insecurity issues.  Something he knows nothing about.
                          I need to remember toxic people are not good for me.

Update 9/16/13-- He says he never said I was
overbearing and gave me an example
for "why" he wouldn't.

               I am working on new ART.  Photos to come soon.

Saturday, September 7, 2013


I spent most of the summer watering a plant that was my healthiest one. Of all of my garden plants that I carefully started by seed, the beans looked the most promising.
I had been watering it all a long, but didn't understand why no beans had started.
Well this gardener was fooled!!
I've been nurturing a Milkweed!
P.S.  Do not Google Image "weeds."

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Depression Pains

Causes Me Pain
- - - - - 
So I had a doctor's appointment to check out my surgery today.
I was suppose to have someone take me to this today

but I didn't want to ask anyone so I drove myself.
I didn't take any of my pain medicine, so I would be okay to
drive.  On the way to the doctor's I cried from hurting here...
and... here... and... here... and... here.
I was still sobbing when I gave my name and they called
me back to the exam room.
Not one, but two friends lost their jobs today.  The one knew it
it was coming, but the other friend didn't see it coming at all.
I am up at 2:00 a.m.