Dodging Compliments

Dear Depressionheads,

Does this ever happen to you or am I the only one?

The last few days, I branched out of my inner world and interacted with more than a few people. I found it interesting to accept compliments. 

Thursday: I take a watercolor painting class and the teacher is seeing me struggle. It's harder than it looks to control the water and the paint and not make a muddy mess.  I interacted with my classmates and my teacher and she is really being kind to keep me after class to demonstrate some techniques. My go-to emotion is "how bad I am at painting"- even though it was only my third class.

Friday: I went to a large art conference and ran into several people I know. I went be myself and sat alone, but many other artists, teachers, and friends passed by to greet me. One, a woman who had helped me out in my former classroom, asked me how I was feeling. When I told her I had yet another surgery, she was very sympathetic. "No more surgery!"  She hugged me and said she loved me. I sat speechless and thought she doesn't even know me-- how can she love me?

Saturday: I went to a small craft show to sell my quilts, felting, and fabric bowls. I was happy to get nice compliments about the work, but dodged these words,  One woman said I was "Awesome." Someone is saying that about me? I had just met her an hour or so ago.

The hosts of the event placed me by the front entrance because they said I did such a nice job of greeting people. This all seems so out of place for me. I struggle accepting compliments.

Trying to decide if my depression is really gone?  How do I see these two images?  Which is the real me? The positive one (right) or the negative one (left)?  We SHOULD all to better at this.

#who am I?    #self image   #artist    #depression   #accepting compliments  #mental health

#can you accept a compliment?

Emotionally Charged

As emotionally charged as my last post was, and also long winded, I need to post an update.

There is wisdom in speaking up and trying to defend yourself. I left many of the details out of my last post, so maybe it was hard to understand why I was so motivated to do something, but, trust me there was a lot to my surgery difficulties. Most people would have just said that was bad and put it behind them, I couldn't. I was very disappointed by my medical care. I was suffering from the carelessness of a medical hospital I trusted and a doctor recommended to me by another doctor to repair my shoulder. My surgeon seems to be running a production line of patients in and patients out. I was the "odd" one they missed. Not to be overly dramatic, but I can't help but wonder what would have happened had the missing anti-depressants drugs been for the heart and not just for my brain? Both the hospital and the doctor miss my other  medical issue stated in my records. In an era of data technology, it turns out someone needs to read the medical records too. My trust of doctors will be forever changed and I have to say, my doctors for the most part have been wonderful.

So with my letter in hand from the hospital stating what the investigation found, and a personal letter to the doctor in hand, I expected us to have a discussion about the problems last week. My doctor refused to even look at the letters, and said he had already been told. He made another alarming remark to me and then things went down hill from there. I assumed he would discuss my problems but suddenly walked out of my exam room and I didn't know what to think. Was he discharging me and was I never to return?

I dropped off copied letters with the office manager and spoke to several people in the office briefly.
I asked why I couldn't at least get an apology from the doctor when things were so clearly messed up.
They said they could not make the doctor do anything because he paid their salary.

The very next day at dinner time, my doctor's assistant called to talk about what had happened because she was unaware of the situation and that she and the doctor had just read the letters (finally)
and they talked about it and she said she and the doctor wanted to apologize.

There was much resistance by me, but I thanked her for the apology. Then, she tried to get me to return to their office for follow up care. I said I was blown away by the doctor's attitude and had never been treated so badly by a doctor. I will probably find a different doctor after all of this, but I am not certain.

What I learned from this was to never give up. Expect that the medical team treats you with respect and even though your medical history including allergies is on file, repeat it to them verbally.
In my letter, I cited three examples of my doctor dismissing my concerns and making a joke of them.

Mental Illness needs to be supported by all doctors. Remember you have the right to question your care plan and give yourself a supportive environment.

____________________________________________________________________

#mental illness    #medical care   #depression   #medical records    #patient relations   #apology

I have Depression: Now Watch Me

It is embarrassing that men and women in the medical field are truly ignorant of treating people with Anxiety and Depression.

There is no excuse.

As promised, I can finally tell my recent medical story.

The story is true and is what I feared, there was no computer error!

After a through investigation, the hospital where I had my surgery, wrote me a two page letter of apology.

It was November 15, 2017 and I had a shoulder replacement surgery. I live alone so I told the doctor I would need to go to a rehab center to recover because I couldn't care for myself.

He acted like that was unnecessary, but finally agreed.

Two major concerns: I have an extreme allergy to the surgical tape that they use.  It is in my medical records and it becomes more severe after each surgery that I have.

It didn't matter. My orthopedics doctor used some form of tape to cover my incision and I broke out with a rash similar to a really bad sun burn. I told the doctor about this reaction and he said "I am the doctor and I know about rashes." "I am like the insurance company commercial where they have seen it all."

My only thought is "what a jerk you are!"

There is more. 

This same doctor allowed his medical assistant to discontinue my

depression medication when I was discharged from the hospital to go to the rehab center.

After a few days I was crying four and five times a day. I would cry in therapy gym, in my hospital room, and in front of my nurses who were trying to console me. I developed insomnia, and would be unable to lay in bed due to pain. I was unable to rest for the entire time I was in rehab. Heck, this insomnia haunted me for nearly two months after my surgery

Remember, I'm also having a severe allergic reaction too.

Since the surgery required the removal of my shoulder bones and a metal plate drilled in place for my shoulders and arm to have contact, I thought my tears were due to extreme pain. Only one day, I felt slightly better and I asked the nurses if I was getting my depression medication.

They told me no, that I didn't have any schedule.

I was extremely angry. I had taken my depression medication for years. They had forced me to go off of it cold turkey.

I called my family doctor and my mental health practitioner and

they both confirmed that I was indeed on this medication.

The nurses at the rehab center we able to get me back on my medication. Thanks to the nurses.

The nurse practitioner at the rehab center came into my room with a handful of prescriptions and apologized.

Two of the nurse supervisors and the director also apologized to me. I was put into a medicine withdrawal for nearly a week.

I see my doctor on Wednesday for a final visit and I plan to speak up. This treatment was done with negligence, stupidity

and arrogance.

I use to put those with medical training on a pedestal.

No longer do, I don't even feel like I want to trust them.

I wouldn't wish this experience on any one.

I reported the problem to the patient relations and talked to the administrator who took my grievance report.

This was the stuff I will continue to fight for.

How can we educate people about depression?

It is my right to go into a hospital and have my medical history honored, to be treated with respect, and to be treated as if my depression medication was as necessary as any other drug being administered.

-------------------------------------------------------

#medication withdrawal    #doctor is negligent    #excuse me  

#artist     #no excuses    #medical negligence    #train doctors to know about depression

 #smart people and depression    #depressionheads    

                                                         Painting by Cathy Jeffers  2017

The Plan

I sometimes feel like my life is like

a slow dance.

For me my art has been the timing and the rhythm

that allows me to show what's

in my head and create it with my hands.

I slip in and out of the materials I love to touch.

I experienced clay, then sculpture, then my beloved fabric.

Yes, there is a texture to my fabric,

because I placed it there.

Now my mind and art are the partners.

One is graceful and one can barely keep a beat.

But they are learning from each other.

The confidence of the creation is energizing.

So why am I so sad?

Because each failure left its
 impression.

Each angry word made me cry.

All the insults made me ball up and

want to hide.

Feeling unwanted by so many,

feeling shamed by those around me

caused me to turn within.

Who could protect my fears?

Had anyone notice my darkest thoughts?

Didn't you notice when I sat alone?

I was smart enough, but I didn't feel it.

Those emotions were raw.

Easy enough to say that is all
in the past and move on,

but my "foundation" was cracked.

Now, I strive to build "me" from the ground up.

I will need to be the architect, the engineer and the 

creative mind to invigorate this new landmark.

I will create a new me using my own specifications.

I will not follow-the PLAN--- I will lead it.

Fire and Ice by Cathy Jeffers

_________________________________________________

#life plan  #goals  #aging  #artist  #planning

#community  #life   #quilt   #emotions