Thursday, August 9, 2018

The Reason for My Silence

I know my depression still lingers. I feel this way because as my situation becomes more out of control, I begin to feel unable to speak. Currently my life is a balance of my art work and DEALING with medical issues for me.
I have been working on getting bariatric surgery. It is hard enough to make your brain work for 
you. How to I feel about getting my organs rearranged? What if, after this change, I am still an emotional eater? For all the people who say Great! Wow you are going to feel so much better! You will be happier! I want to say, how do you know? It is my body going through this and I don't even know how I am going to feel!
Not to mention the strain of Test 1, 2 and 3, then looking inside my body, (ugh) NO! I didn't really want to see my heart beating on the screen. Let's just call it GOOD. Then the waiting because the office assistance don't call you back. They say they need a letter saying I am cleared for surgery. Looking at the results from the radiologist isn't good enough. OMG. Isn't that the job of the radiologist?? No, they want someone to pin it on if things go badly. This is the hardest, pain in the butt surgery I have ever had. I had screws and metal plates put in my foot, and the surgery was easy- peasy. I just had one confident doctor. 
Now, it takes three or more doctors to mess with me. Yes, this is straining my mood. It turns out the medical professionals had their right hand up  while the left was making a crossed fingers gesture with the left. They just sort-of, kind-of took the pledge to be committed to healing the patient. 
I am not even going to talk about their insurance specialist, who yelled at me, "where did you get that idea?" and then sweetly, says, "okay you're right about what the doctor said to you."  Mouth off first, then think later, lady?
Congratulations to me for getting a major body of work done.
50 Quilts of mine are now on display at Sinclair until September 28th in Mason, Ohio.
Last Friday, I was in Art In The City, where I created 8 art quilts,
Nearly a life size fairy, a three foot lightening bug, and sat at a booth to sell my quilts. Thanks to all of these venues who asked to showcase my work!
Now the truth is. I was exhausted by the time all of this creative work was done. 
I confess I don't like DEADLINES, even on my own art.
So I didn't complain, I was numb, silenced, and secretly thinking never again.  
After it was all over on Saturday and Sunday, I stayed in my pajamas, making a quilt for enjoyment. The very next day, I received an email telling me I had sold a small quilt and would I be interested in creating something else to replace it?
Good wishes, good vibe-- this is what I have always wanted, but it might be too much now.  Allow me to move at my own rate, slower now due to my pains, but heck, I earned each one of these pains over a lifetime. 







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