Depression and Crying

I am not a morning person. In fact THIS morning was especially hard. It had snowed last night (April 2nd) in spring and I was struggling just to get dressed due to a bad back.

But there I was 9:05 sharp (I joke!) and I was in the waiting room for my THERAPY appointment.

He came to the door and let me in and we greeted each other.

By 9:10 a.m. we re-capped my last visit and the tears began to slowly drip to my cheeks.

What he was saying wasn't all that emotional-- but for someone to express how much they appreciate my honesty, it was EMOTIONAL. I think people who cry are really letting out years of stifled emotions. In the past I had to "accept" things as the were, accept childhood bulling, pretend their verbal abuse didn't matter, look like I was learning from criticism, and more than anything, hide my self-esteem issues.

But all of these things did come out.  My over-eating was so gratifying. No one would notice a extra slice of pie. I was ashamed of myself at 125lbs and in grade school. The kids made all kinds of fun of me, they call it bullying now. One teacher bent down at my desk one day and attempted to discuss my eating problems. Humiliating, although I didn't know the word or it's meaning at the time.

I blamed my parents for letting me get so out of control for many years. I was angry at them. But they had their own lives and my weight-control was just one more thing I felt I had to do on my own with
NO TOOLS or guidance to solve this bigger problem. I was also expected to get good grades, be respectful, stay with the college bound good kids (I didn't by high school.) Never lie about where I was, and never ever do any experimenting. I felt like a bird in a cage. The weight problem & anxiety continued.

Then suddenly, one teacher I really liked in high school asked me to go to a diet class with her. I lost 80 pounds, while she dropped out about week 4. I was admired by both of my parents and I would be ready to go to college a slimmer version of myself. It didn't last.

What always lasted was the pain of not knowing how or what to do about myself. Thank God, my artistic talent which was identified early, and being friends with some "key" popular kids helped me to fight off some of the ones who bullied me. When I was in grade school there was a trick where people flipped the initials of your first and last name. My last name, was similar to Brush, so I became "Crusher." So you can imagine what a I painfully endured for several years from the boys. I can still hear them saying "Here comes the Crusher."

So it wasn't really a surprise when the tears came out this morning.


                       


#artist  #depression
#quilts