Thank You, Thank You Very Much

Goodbye--to you 2015.  I'm leaving you this year banged up, bruised, un-productive and with many problems. It's cool that 2016 isn't even officially here yet, and I can announce some Good NEWS!

I was offered a SOLO show for next year in an art gallery in a big OHIO city. Maybe as many as 35 quilts. The space will be filled with my ideas, my moments, my descriptions of life through art quilts.  Plenty to do before the show, but excited none-the less. I would say it's comforting to make them and have them appreciated.

___________________________________________________________________________

#2016  #goodnews

Give me Credit

  

           Depression Heads:            

Give me credit for reaching out to you.

artwork by  CBJ J                      Eating Peas and Cheese

I've needed to.

At least I am attempting to explain my point of view.

I wouldn't have gotten this far without venting once in a while. 
Sharing my thoughts here has saved me more often than you will ever know.
Right now, I can't create my art.  I have no ambition to create and creating is what I do best.

My head is teetering on the edge.

I am sick of medical issues and my depression pairing up against me.

I have dropped many of my friends. 

In my defense, I can't take them anymore.

You shouldn't have to work at being friends with someone. 

It is better just to let go.

You broke my trust and (my heart) and our friendship is really damaged.

Now it's just me.  Ha! (Me in control of my own life?)

2016 Preview News:

1. Will I stay or do I go?

2. Who do I trust in this transition?

3. Will my health overshadow everything else?

____________________________________________________________________

            #making choices    #transition     #no longer friends

                http://depression-blogs-chat-rooms.org/depressionanxietychat/rooms/index.php

"Tis the Season

Today, I thought it would be funny to stand on a corner with a cardboard sign which read:

    "Honk if you are broke and depressed this Christmas."

I am sure it would upset the "Keep Christ in Christmas"    %

The (to quote an ad this season) the 4-letter word we want to hear the most of all is L-O-V-E and not S-A-L-E.                      %

The AGNOSTICS, THE ANTI-FAMILY, and those who

have Bah-Humbug written all over them.

I started one of those annoying "How my year went this year- Christmas 2015" letters, but I couldn't get it to Rhyme or have a good Rap, or be less depressing than spilling fresh baked cookies on the floor. Yes, "Tis the season.

Called old friends  Except some really are as bad as you

                               had remembered.

Invited old friends over for dinner. When did they start only eating healthy?  (I fixed fried pork chops and cheese potatoes.)

When did postage cost more than the gift itself?

Called the old romance man.... my hands were too shaky to text.

(He doesn't seem to remember anything about why I ended it.)

Minimal decorations in my home = minimal acknowledgement of the holiday. Remembering past Christmases, none were all that great.  Now, you are spending more time with your -Doctors- & -Therapists- than actual Family.

Bill paying for basic utilities hovers over you like a buzzard. Is the credit card my salvation?

B smart, B healthy, B sober--B strong, show some common sense.

Don't cry about all this stuff anymore.  People don't want to hear it.

I don't want to hear it.  Just EAT the Christmas goodies, kiss and hug your dog, as if they were friends and family. Worry less. 

Who says you need your car with the heater out, and low on gas?

Sit, stay, sew and repeat.  Santa will be here soon, lovely as that may sound.  Then another year comes along and you start over again.  That's says it all.  It didn't rhyme, and had a bad rap.

Love you (my 2 children) and to my special folks-- you know who you are.  Praying for you dear MC, and JJ, and those too weak to speak.

________________________

#bad Christmas  #broke and depressed  #holiday  #reality #home for Christmas #depression heads 

Facebook Face-Off

Like millions if not zillions of people, I have been on Facebook for years.  I took a short leave once but returned. 

Then, crash, A-boom and a bang, my cell phone and laptop died around the same time. So when things were back on track and I had my cell phone and laptop back in working order, I tried to get back on Facebook- not so much to post- but to catch up on my friend's news.

EXCEPT once you are snookered into the (Sad)book site, and with their security so tight, it is hard to even claim you are who you are.

I have tried to get back on.  I have tried their help desk. I have tried Googled, and wikiHow, I've read and asked my friends... but no luck yet. 

On December 1, 2015, Zuckerberg and Chan announced the birth of their daughter Max, and in an open letter to Max, they pledged to donate 99% of their Facebook shares, then valued at $45 billion, o the Chan Zuckerberg Initiative, their new charitable foundation with focuses on health and education. The donation will not be given to charity immediately, but over the course of their lives.

Okay I'll give you that!!

                          Did you know MZ is color blind and that's why everything is blue?       
                                  Wow- Good to know!!      
                Good Art Teacher info:  Green  or  Red ?

Mark, (Mark Zuckerberg) are you listening??  I know you're up with the new baby and all- but do you expect us to all be Harvard graduates to understand your security system? I just want to be ME.

Unfortunately, there is no one really employed there at (Sad)book.  Yes, you can only read common Q & A's and if your question doesn't appear, you are out of luck. So I tried to outsmart(Sad)book and make a new account. (Only) NO!! My cell phone number has changed, so my "security" phone number has changed and I can't get anyone to realize I am a real person, not a dead cell phone number, I no longer have access to any of it.
The people (if they work there at all)suggest you send a picture with your photo ID to them. But to who??? If I can't reach a real (Sad)book employee, do you think I am going to send them my ID?

So, my friends CRAZY ALERT:

I did enter my new cell phone number to see if they would accept that. Still no response from them. I did however, hear from a snake

in wolves clothing. "Hey, Baby...." (He found my new number.)

___________________________________________________________

#Mark Zuckerberg #Crazy  #picture ID  #wikiHow  #security

http://www.wikihow.com/Main-Page

Does Panic Do Me Any Good?

                  P-A-N-I-C is such a part of me, and it happens
                         so often to me.
                         Panic goes beyond worry for me. 

                         The reality is this:

                         I do panic. It may be irrational to most people,

                         but when I panic, it makes me think: I have

                         to solve this "problem--" or the worse

                         will happen to me.

                         Normal people:

                        Why I better think what to do about this?

                         Real people solve their own problems.

                         Real people don't think it's a big deal.

                         Life happens-- you either deal with it or ignore

                         it.

                         Then we can talk about me....

                         Everything with me is: This is it!!

                         This is the big one!! I have been waiting for 

                          you. This the end of the world.

                         At least I recognize it now.

                         

                        Someone contacted me about an

                        art commission today.  Can I say YIPPEEE!

                        

                        Fortunately, the end of the world was yesterday,

                        not today,

                                   when I calmly discussed a

                                   huge opportunity. 

                                   She seemed very interested in my

                                   work, and I held my breathe.

                                   -Just like it happens everyday.

____________________________________________________

#panic        #artist mind      # depression recovery  #art quilts

#work big 

Recent Artwork

I've BEGUN to be a painter again too.   My fiber arts has a new friend.  Turns out my painting were hiding inside of me with the rest of my thoughts.  I took Beginning Painting for 5 weeks.  First time since painting class in1975. Woo Hoo!

Still Life with Salt Shaker  by Cathy Jeffers

Creek by Cathy Jeffers

Lady in a Black Hat  by Cathy Jeffers

Who I Could Be!

    Imagine the person could be, if not for my reality.

    Depression is real.
    I struggle with it every day. Some days it hits me with pain.
    Other days it is fatigue and sometimes it is a desire to make 
    decisions.  So imagine my surprise when I come to find out my
    insurance company is now calling me high risk for making two
    claims in three years. I am in the penalty box!

Remembering My Carpet

This is the aftermath of frozen pipes and my carpet.

________________________________________

#unreal

Wits End?

     
     When two depressed people get together

Congo Dancers by Cathy Jeffers

     they...

• annoy the crap out of each other?
• fight about who has the most problems?
• act nasty and say things they don't mean?
• compare local mental health facilities?
• ask if you are depressed and "drinking" or "over-eating"?       
• admit they never think about you except when they are really depressed?
• can pronounce their new medication and ask if you have heard of it?
• walk around like a zombie and forget they were ever in a fog?
• make you feel better?
• understand life from the other's point of view?
• make you wonder why you are friends?
• wonder can this be healthy?
• discuss new terms that your therapist came up with and what they mean to you?
• think writing in a journal is excellent therapy?   

__________________________________________________________________________

#mentally ill   #I am depressed    #how depression feels   #journal therapy  #point of view

The _ T & T Company

I'm writing this poem:

Oh, Oh, Oh  ___ T & T   you are the communication company.

But the real reason you are in business is to create my insanity.

With you digital man, and your catchy "ding, ding... ding" sound

       you pretend to have-- Oh so pleasant technology...

       but you are really......

    Bad, Bad  LeRoy Phone....

    LeRoy Phone

 The baddest Co. in all of the town, badder than Wi-Fi, land 

 and, the towers to prove that too.

   Bad, Bad  LeRoy Phone....

    LeRoy Phone

Well, never go to call them, you'll just get put on hold,

for a company with all their technology,

you'd think they could get you to a real

person, person, person.... Hello? Hello? Hello?

So then you ask for sales and then send you to tech support....

Yes, you are..... Bad, Bad,  A-hole phone.

Technologists you can barely follow.

    Bad, Bad  LeRoy Phone....

    LeRoy Phone

Who crack jokes about you behind their walls...

and snicker at your age.

And they say: Push this, Push this, Click This,

No... Hummm... Lady-

"Do you even know what a Monitor is?"

Well, they're,  Bad, Bad, LeRoy Phone

Missing my old rotary phone. High tech-nol-lo-Gee?

At least I didn't have to be lied to-- by thee.

Oh yes, Bad, Bad Millenniums-too

a paycheck for coffee, the spa, and satire on their

i-phones, "e-KKK a customer. So annoying, Hang-up please!"

Guess, those soccer trophy's for all

wasn't good enough. They grew up to be hired by

Bad, Bad LeRoy Phone, baddest Co. in the whole damn town

Wi-Fi Land. Is sadly like TV-Land for me.

What is their customer satisfaction policy?

Baddest-- than all the rest,

 Hello LeRoy Phone? Just listen to you.

"ding, ding...ding."

Wish I could disconnect on you!!

Just pay, pay, pay, pay- and suck it up

customer- you've got.... _ T &T.

Badder than an old King Kong
And meaner than a junkyard dog.

Credit:

Read more at http://www.lyrics.com/bad-bad-leroy-brown-lyrics-jim-croce.html#DWde0jyT6QPBQCVv.99

_______________________________________________________

#fuming mad   #phone company  #goggle+   #phone  #suck it up  #phone monopoly

#artist  #poetry #satire   #millenniums 

Friday 13

The world keeps getting more complicated.  I wasn't aware growing up that there was more devastation to come. I remember the Vietnam War.
Those of us with depression suffer our own wars in our heads, so these monumental acts of terrorism become magnified more than we ever wanted.

It was Veteran's Day this week on 11-11.  Then, followed by yet another act of terror in Paris on 11-13-15. In some very sick way, terrorists not only make the world even more dangerous, they also seem to do it with a nod to numerology.

9-11
Friday, 13th, 2015


Must we continue to live in fear?

________________________________________________________________________

#11:11   #Paris    #fear

The "P' Word

The word was psychopath.  Who uses the word psychopath it in everyday conversation? Apparently people often do use this word and dropping such a strong word is no big deal.

 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Why should you care about a mentally ill person any way?

Aside from them being your:
mother, father, sister, brother, cousin, niece, child, friend, co-worker, or spouse... they are human.
People with depression don't start out that way.  They are made.  Made by fear, trauma, social anxiety, repercussions, violence, family drama, health and more.
If it is politically incorrect to use racist terms, sexual orientation terms, sexually exploitative, age-discriminating,
terms and many more, why is it okay to point out those of us
with mental issues?  

Please document every time you hear someone use a derogatory word about the mentally ill.  Tell some one you trust that it isn't right,and that it isn't fair.  Educate the politicians, bloggers, police, the teachers, lawyers, your friends, church members, caring people do eventually come around.

 _____________________________________________

#depressionheads    #fighting for mental health #mental health awareness  #society  #communication  #people  #art  people  #caring about what's wrong  #talk about mental health  #tell someone  #caring people do eventually come around
#psychopath 

The Police

 

I would just like to say, THE POLICE proved to me today that in times of mental distress, they are the last ones on your side.

Never ever assume the police know anything about mental health, anxiety or being upset. They may be trained on traffic violations, but they seem to have no training in life saving mental health issues.

• Being told to keep it "together" is voiceless.
• or "It's Just for a few days" is ignorant.
• Being called names is no big deal, is harmful.
• Being told No one is trained in mental help at the police department is utterly crazy.

 _______________________________________________

  #mental health matters   #police  #get educated on the facts
 

From A Wise Doctor

I normally wouldn't paste something seen on Facebook, but this one got me. This was a post from a woman I knew as a teenager, who is now a retired OB/GYN. Who knew she would be so good at knowing about Our Beast-- Depression.
 
Many people believe that a suicide attempt is a selfish act because the person simply does not care about the people left behind. I can tell you that when a person gets to that point, they truly believe that their loved ones will be much better off with them gone.
This is mental illness, not selfishness.
TRUTH: Depression is a terrible disease and it is relentless. A lot of us have been close to that edge, or dealt with family members in a crisis, and some have lost friends and loved ones. Let's look out for each other and stop sweeping mental illness under the rug.
If you'd like to help, kindly copy and paste in your status (for at least an hour) to give a moment of support to all those who have real problems, health struggles, job issues, serious worries of any kind and just need to know that someone cares.
We do care.
Please do it for all of us, as nobody is immune. Hope to see this on the walls of all my family and friends for moral support. I did it for a friend and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one, no sharing.
Note: More people suffer from depression than heart disease, we know that heart disease receives a great deal of attention, but somehow depression remains locked in a closet, out of public view...just like, Depression.

#depression 

Trust Yourself

  

Your gut feeling is there for a reason.

Lately, I feel like I should be wearing a big strip of

CAUTION TAPE around my mid-section.

There really has been a rash of people laid before me who should be pushed FAR AWAY FROM me.

Just because you are kind to people, doesn't 

mean you are stupid.

SET BOUNDARIES

Don't let the nonsense you use to put up with be the norm.  Stop letting people into your life that offer you nothing.

Don't worry about the people who continue to make bad decisions, it is their choice. 

 Rally for your mental health, don't try to figure out why other people are the way they are.

Be an artist. Creating makes you feel good.

_______________________________________
#mental health  #art #set boundaries  #don't take it anymore #bad choice 
#life #be well  #people  #be smart  #gut feeling  #trust yourself

 

Scamming

        LIARS and Scammers in my Life.

• Both of the scammers knew something about me.

• They knew something I was passionate about, and used this to ENTICE me to believe they were REAL.                                   
• Do not trust people on the inter-net.
• Do not write about personal information in your life too these people.

    Check out people on Google, Linked-In or Spokeo and    
    check to see if their email is listed.  One person who 
    wrote to me was on 63 different websites. 
    Look for signs of poor grammar and sentences which  
    trail off.  Never send money to the person.

    #scams

The Meds Thing

When is enough, enough.....?  Even my doctor told me this week I am taking way too much medicine.  Every doctor I see wants to add their drugs and now I am in the high dose range. When will it stop?
Maybe with me!

The doctor told me to listen to my gut feelings.  WOW!
 Fine Print: (is that even legal?)

So I will.    Make every effort to do what my head and body are telling me.

                I guess sometimes you are your own best healer.  <3 <3 <3


________________________________

#medicine  #artist  #depression   #self medicate   #the trouble with medicine today

Sabatoge Me

Only a depressed and obsessed person truly knows about self-sabotage.  

Despite my last post, I saw myself in action tonight.  I was talking to someone who is sweet, tender, smart and giving. I judged them to be "just teasing me" when they sincerely complimented me.  I sabotaged the conversation from there and when I was done, I was so ashamed of myself I was in full anxiety mode.

Turns out, there is this thing in psychology called a critical inner voice.  It is formed in your childhood, when without realizing it, the stuff our parents or those close to us said, has a lasting effect.  It's not that hard to realize.  For example: One dad praises everything the younger daughter does.  The older daughter, the one that traditionally is the leader is forced to think: "What about me?"  The parent might compare test scores, athletic ability, the amount of friends one has compared to the other, it can go on and on.  I don't have any credentials on this, but, this parent stuff, along with what a child can see for themselves by seeing others doing things they can't-- can place a big damper on their well -being.  This goes on to effect the person for the rest of their lives.  It can really rev itself up in social situations with our insecurities going flying out of our mouths, in self-hate, or in other appearances. We pull out something nasty from our bag of tricks and used it, when we should have simply, said "thank you." I'm so sorry, my friend.  Can we talk about it tomorrow?
_______________________________________________
#self-sabotage  #artist  #in pain  #jeopardize  #relationships

#bad parent
#self-hate

Analyze Me

Yes.  She is smart and has a degree in PSYCHOLOGY.

She is also just a hair past 23.

What she does say is "I don't think you heard ME."

"Projecting"  "Re-Framing" her six years of education has its effect on me.

So do I tell her she is full of Words and Schooling the same way I was as an infant in my education at a a hair past 23?

I was going to be a scholar, a doctor, a PhD. 

None of which happened because

 I had no faith in me.

I would make excuses for why I might fail. Worthy or not, it was too hard,

too far, too something I was just so ashamed of me. 

 Then I would have moments... a period or two of smooth sailing, blissful never fear, depression subsides and I would climb and soar.  Nothing could stop me now!!

I would enjoy seeing my success, my confidence and swagger, and know that this was the way the road was suppose to be.  OH YES!!!

Until right around that bend was the biggest damn boulder just sitting in the road waiting for me.

Yeah, I'll acknowledge that you have your degree and pink "love is" posters and tiny toes painted with pink nail polish and fingers pointing at me.  You are just being a confident analysist ready to strike out at me. Sit there woman, pretend to know my pain.  Just go ahead and write a parody of my life on your lap top with bullet-ed notes going 1...2...3...ready to analyze me.  

...........................................................................................................................

#hanging on       #the words you can't get out of your head

#what depression pain feels like   #irritability  #frustration  #acknowledge you are depressed

#community of artists with depression

#depression fears  #doubts   #anyone but me  #therapy  #blissful  #artist  #art

#google+  

Addition of Content- Social Media

I don't know about you, but social media

is starting to annoy me.  

Maybe, not "starting to"-- how about a big fat war?
I can't tell who to believe anymore.  Is everything necessary?  Or is the world now divided by not only the have and "have-nots," but the ones that are cyber- sophisticated and those who check out the Computers for Dummies Books.  If you took all the F's, P's, and G's in the world, you would still only touch a few.






Like a bad relationship, it is hard to walk away from the sweet, cute ones --even though you know you should.

Posting: Should I Continue?

 

Not sure I have it in me to continue to write Depression Heads. So much is piling up lately.

Nothing I can do about 90% of it.


The Deep depression I have is chronic.
But do people with a similar depression (or not) want to stay and read about it?  Real pain + depression = laying in bed for hours.

Who is the bastard that gave me this depression?



I think I'll post lots and lots of cute puppies and kittens.
Just to GET someone's attention.

   
 


If not for me?  Then will I manage to support others?

P.s. My daughter has it too.  She sent me an email describing her latest run on depression mode.  I think depression runs in families and I am so sorry she has it too.
_______________________________________________________________________
#creative people  #artistic vision  #creative minds
#high achievers with depression   #face2face  #depression is real  #caught up in my own depression #depression override
#genius  #highly talented  #gifted  #sorry about your depression   #debilitating depression  #depression heads
#change  #lovely daughter   #hello  #sad and lonely

Friendship

There is something ironic to being older.  When you are young, you look and somehow you find a path, which leads you to getting an education, a job, personal relationships, family, a social life, giving of yourself.
Your friends are found mostly from school and interests.


The women in my circle of friends have come and gone.  Old friend step aside and new friends enter. Some of my really old pals come back and new friends drop out of my life. Lately, the new friends come by way of social media you know you'll never meet, yet you talk all the time. I don't understood this. Can someone explain this?

Too needy seems weird and awkward. Too indifferent seems like you don't care. When contact is sparse... I wonder why.  Yes, I don't get it. 

Coping Skills for the Depress

Kick the Royal butt of anyone you know that says "What do you have to be depressed about?"

"Jiggle" your money to last the whole month. Pray checks are not posted until the money is really there in a few days. (It's getting harder to do with the new electronic checks.)

Try to hide your feelings that you can't trust people any more.  Lie and act like every thing is fine. 

Touch the back of you neck.  It is where "stress lives" and you can't outrun it. So sit up straight and breathe.

Remember your loved one's voice.  Listen to that one instead of the one you often hear in your own head.

Don't punish yourself by looking at recent photos and think, how gross, old, fat, etc.

Treat yourself to something outrageously expensive.  It will hurt, but the fun will be worth it.

Kiss your kids and let them know you love them.

Eat healthy one day a week, then two, then more.  Ice cream is a health food basic.... ?No?

Make art happen in your life and in those around you.

Phiff--- to talent, make art everyday and pitch out the bad stuff.  Trash can lids can be re-opened up until the trash man comes.

Dream, Eat, Sleep, Pray, Travel, find a lover... (or a dog!)
Help out other humans.  They are nothing like you, and that is good.

#copingskills  #depression  #humor

Toxicity

Toxic thinking will make you very sick.

A quilter I know just from FB recently posted this article.  I am definitely one of those people who can't let things go.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-last-best-cure/201405/15-ways-get-someone-out-your-head

I had two plans on this past Fourth of July.  I was to enjoy the community street fair and quilt.  Mostly quilt as I am trying to meet a deadline. 

Instead my washing machine breaks down- water floods my laundry and living room and I am mopping up, finding fans to blow on the walls, towel drying what I could, and then spending time at a laundromat getting towels washed and dried. My new floors are warped!

WHY ME? My rant went on in my head for hours.

Closing out June

Closing Out June with two comments:

1.  Racism is alive and well.

 A flag isn't to blame, but symbolism is what people get into their head and can shake it out. I had to grow up to realize racism was wrong.  I had to interact, met black people I liked and admired to realize what I had heard about blacks wasn't true.  All people have great attributes and failings.

2. A multicolored flag is also in the news.   I've always loved many colors.

A group of hateful people (many who call themselves Christians) are against the people who identify with this flag.




#love wins    #racist  

If I Didn't Hate Tatoos So Much

 

Does anything make sense anymore?

If I didn't hate tats so much, I might

 almost agree with this tattoo.

    https://hpwritesblogs.wordpress.com/2015/06/18/www-thesemicolonproject-com/

; ; ; ; ; ; ;  #Semi colon project

My heart breaks for those killed in South Carolina.

The kid who killed them is 

one part murderer and one part mentally ill.

The 19 Kids' Parents

feel bad about their parenting skills.

Really do you think??

Stay Positive ..... the world keeps getting crazier. 

#crazy world     #racist     #religious right